........................................................................................................................29.06.26
i feel like a great weight has been lifted off me with the end of this heatwave. like i can finally think clearly again. unsure how long this will last as anxiety and an inability to enjoy most things does often creep back in, but i'll enjoy it while i have it.

it was almost as if the universe craned its neck at me following what i had written about my relationship. my partner became unexpectanly free last night while i was at the pub with two of my good friends and so they finally got to meet. i had been so worried that they wouldn't like each other but i realise now that was unfounded. it was a really lovely evening and my heart felt so full of love for the people in my life. i think i can figure this relationship thing out. i really want to. previously i had been given a responsibility to someone i didn't want and it scared me as a burden, but this is a responsibility i have chosen and so one i shouldn't try to run from. i feel grounded rather than adrift which i have felt for so long despite the lovely friends surrounding me. i still don't think relationships should be the be all and end all in anyone's life, but i am glad to feel important to someone who feels important to me. even if my feelings aren't as big or intense as maybe i was led to believe a relationship required, there is a fondness, a comfort, a familiarity that i find even more valuable and difficult to cultivate with someone. i'm still figuring out what a relationship looks like for me but now i feel more like it's worth the uncertainty.

........................................................................................................................28.06.26
been feeling a strange spur of energy lately like i want to get back into doing and making stuff again and indulging in hobbies. hence making this website i suppose. i was inspired by a youtube video i watched by smidgezz that felt like a lot of fun and had a bunch of decor on the screen that reminded me of old websites. they also mentioned the old internet as a part of it. i do have another neocities but that was more of a portfolio page for my illustration which i don't do so much anymore lol. mostly what i've been making since graduating has been nothing or a youtube video. i do draw every now and then though now but i struggle to stay interested.

i just made a video putting together footage from the summer solstice this year. i was also planning on making a video with the footage from the last two gigs of my friends' band trainspotters, but 13 videos somehow went missing from the memory card and now i'm too sad to even think about editing what remains.

strange times all around for me right now i'd say. i've recently entered my first relationship after a decent period of considering myself aroace. i still feel leanings towards being aromantic though and find myself struggling with the social expectations of a relationship. despite me being the one who initiated it i worry whether i like the other person enough. i worry that i can't feel love at all. i don't even really know how it differs from liking friends and i don't know how our relationship is supposed to differ from that other than us having sex. i worry that i have become too important to them and that i will never be able to live up to that responsibility. i like them and i enjoy spending time with them and i find them attractive but sometimes i'm uncomfortable engaging with things that are more traditionally romantic. we are such early days but i already worry about watching our relationship cave in because of my own actions (or lack thereof) and ending up hurting them, similar to a friendship i had that became way too much. i've wanted to feel loved and important by someone i also care about similarly for a long time, but now it's in my hands i feel like i'm doing everything in my power to push it away. it feels like something i'm not supposed to have. or is it something i don't even want? i have no clue.

also my cat won't stop scratching her ear til it bleeds, there's building work happening in the house (my parent's house and childhood home), we just came out of a horrific heatwave, and trying to sort a job transfer before i move to manchester for a master's feels like pulling teeth.