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........................................................................................................................08.08.26
i recently hit 1000 on my bereal streak and (as i had planned to) stopped using the app entirely. because of this i've decided to keep a diary. i realise that i like to have some sort of sense of what i've done everyday, even if it's just a photo, so a diary is even nicer because it gets me off my phone and makes me sit and consider my day at the end of it. it's a mixture of objective facts of what happened and my current thoughts and feelings. unfortunately i feel like this will easily let me forget about this blog! i will try not to though and they are very much separate though as i tend to save blog posts for more interesting events and articulated thoughts that i feel comfortable sharing (though i doubt anyone really is reading).
actually had kind of a horrible day today. just depressed and overemotional, but i feel somewhat better now and went on a little walk without my phone. i feel like an mp3 player or a discman would be a good investment for moments like this because i want to go out more without my phone. i'm starting to think that it's a major source of my misery lol.
man/woman/chainsaw i'm not like a superfan of but they were super cool when i saw them live at a so young weekender and i like a few of their songs so i do keep up with them. they recently dropped their first album cannonball and i listened to it the day after it came out while at work. not much jumped out to me other than the singles i was already familiar with except for this song. i remember seeing it live and honestly i think it's better live because they go a lot bigger with the crescendo, but the recorded version is still good.
i recently hit 1000 on my bereal streak and (as i had planned to) stopped using the app entirely. because of this i've decided to keep a diary. i realise that i like to have some sort of sense of what i've done everyday, even if it's just a photo, so a diary is even nicer because it gets me off my phone and makes me sit and consider my day at the end of it. it's a mixture of objective facts of what happened and my current thoughts and feelings. unfortunately i feel like this will easily let me forget about this blog! i will try not to though and they are very much separate though as i tend to save blog posts for more interesting events and articulated thoughts that i feel comfortable sharing (though i doubt anyone really is reading).
actually had kind of a horrible day today. just depressed and overemotional, but i feel somewhat better now and went on a little walk without my phone. i feel like an mp3 player or a discman would be a good investment for moments like this because i want to go out more without my phone. i'm starting to think that it's a major source of my misery lol.
man/woman/chainsaw i'm not like a superfan of but they were super cool when i saw them live at a so young weekender and i like a few of their songs so i do keep up with them. they recently dropped their first album cannonball and i listened to it the day after it came out while at work. not much jumped out to me other than the singles i was already familiar with except for this song. i remember seeing it live and honestly i think it's better live because they go a lot bigger with the crescendo, but the recorded version is still good.
........................................................................................................................03.08.26
fuck the transfer fuck sainsbury's i'm quitting i cba anymore.
fuck the transfer fuck sainsbury's i'm quitting i cba anymore.
........................................................................................................................02.08.26
lost one of my favourite pins yesterday. i can't seem to stop losing things. feels like everything is just tumbling out of my life at a pace i can't keep up with. not everything is supposed to stay in your life forever though, not everyone is. been thinking about the people i've lost in various ways, like someone i met in cardiff because i saw him in a bookshop with his friend and they looked cool so i approached them. his instagram got deactivated recently so i've lost contact with him. i suppose i could go through his friend but i don't really see the point, it's not like we really spoke that much (i only met up with him once outside of the first meeting), we mostly just viewed and liked each others' posts. same with a guy i spoke to on the train one time whose instagram got deleted before i even finished a message conversation with him. it's weird how social media changes these chance encounters that used to be fleeting, and maybe it's for the worse. it's like hoarding people that you will never talk to outside of the first encounter and a couple extra conversations, and not accepting that maybe it's okay that not everyone can stick around in your life. these kinds of people are just lovely reminders that everyone is someone you can talk to and get to know and that doesn't always have to precede a friendship or a commitment, and that maybe you should just be more connected with the people around you even when you can't "get something from it".
these kinds of people are different to the pin i lost though. it was one of the first pins i ever put on my bag, and i got it from brighton alongside another when i went to view the uni, both of which had been sitting side by side on my bag ever since (well, until yesterday). i've been graduated a year now. i had that pin longer than i knew the friend who recently unfollowed and removed me. it's been difficult to contend with and come to terms with the fact that we're just not that compatible so there's not much i can do to make it up to them; i suppose i'm always just going to be someone who's wronged and hurt them. it's weird to think that there are people out there who will never forgive me.
on a lighter note yesterday i also went to a nice japanese resturant i like with my partner and my parents. my parents had never been there before and loved it, and a friend happened to also be there on a date which was really funny. it's also the start of august which is my birthday month! my cousin is also getting married so i have a busy month ahead of me...
finally listened to los campesinos' more famous album. got really into we are beautiful, we are doomed a bit ago and despite still liking it i never thought to listen to any of their other stuff. been enjoying listening to this album at work especially - just nice to have some new fun indie rock.
lost one of my favourite pins yesterday. i can't seem to stop losing things. feels like everything is just tumbling out of my life at a pace i can't keep up with. not everything is supposed to stay in your life forever though, not everyone is. been thinking about the people i've lost in various ways, like someone i met in cardiff because i saw him in a bookshop with his friend and they looked cool so i approached them. his instagram got deactivated recently so i've lost contact with him. i suppose i could go through his friend but i don't really see the point, it's not like we really spoke that much (i only met up with him once outside of the first meeting), we mostly just viewed and liked each others' posts. same with a guy i spoke to on the train one time whose instagram got deleted before i even finished a message conversation with him. it's weird how social media changes these chance encounters that used to be fleeting, and maybe it's for the worse. it's like hoarding people that you will never talk to outside of the first encounter and a couple extra conversations, and not accepting that maybe it's okay that not everyone can stick around in your life. these kinds of people are just lovely reminders that everyone is someone you can talk to and get to know and that doesn't always have to precede a friendship or a commitment, and that maybe you should just be more connected with the people around you even when you can't "get something from it".
these kinds of people are different to the pin i lost though. it was one of the first pins i ever put on my bag, and i got it from brighton alongside another when i went to view the uni, both of which had been sitting side by side on my bag ever since (well, until yesterday). i've been graduated a year now. i had that pin longer than i knew the friend who recently unfollowed and removed me. it's been difficult to contend with and come to terms with the fact that we're just not that compatible so there's not much i can do to make it up to them; i suppose i'm always just going to be someone who's wronged and hurt them. it's weird to think that there are people out there who will never forgive me.
on a lighter note yesterday i also went to a nice japanese resturant i like with my partner and my parents. my parents had never been there before and loved it, and a friend happened to also be there on a date which was really funny. it's also the start of august which is my birthday month! my cousin is also getting married so i have a busy month ahead of me...
finally listened to los campesinos' more famous album. got really into we are beautiful, we are doomed a bit ago and despite still liking it i never thought to listen to any of their other stuff. been enjoying listening to this album at work especially - just nice to have some new fun indie rock.
........................................................................................................................27.07.26
had a really nice payday weekend with my partner and my friends. it was especially welcome after a more anxious week, the exact cause of which i was able to figure out a few days ago and come to terms with. generally i just think i struggle with feeling like i have to fit everything into an objective box in my head when relationships and friendships are far more fluid and changeable than that. i think it takes far longer than people let on to figure out how a relationship is supposed to fit into your own life. having a first relationship at 22 after thinking for ages that i'd never have one has been such a crazy learning experience. kind of scary but also really fun.
had my first experience with caffeine too and i really started off strong by having almost 2 full monsters in one night. had crazy chest tightness and was so wired while trying to sleep. had to put on the barbie movie to do something because my partner was too tired to stay up with me. otherwise that night we had a banging food selection and i taught them to use a bong. speaking of the bong i had some friends over the next night and one of them managed to break it by tipping it until the bowl fell out and on the hard floor. had to use all my energy to practice peace and serenity and not get mad at her lol.
also just had a call with the sainsbury's in manchester about transferring and it feels like i fucked it. trying to go for a permanent position over dual store working and she was asking about christmas and i was saying how i would go home for it but only for a really short time and we can figure something out please please please. she said it's not a definite no..... what a wonderful start to the week. once again shooting myself in the foot with my honesty and annoying yapping.
been really into fiona apple lately after finally getting fetch the bolt cutters. i listened to it first like 5 years ago and didn't like it at all except cosmonauts. a couple months ago i got briefly really into when the pawn... but then grew tired of it, but now i've picked it up again and it's been such a good cd to put on while i'm cooking or cleaning in the kitchen. i need to get fetch the bolt cutters on cd too.
had a really nice payday weekend with my partner and my friends. it was especially welcome after a more anxious week, the exact cause of which i was able to figure out a few days ago and come to terms with. generally i just think i struggle with feeling like i have to fit everything into an objective box in my head when relationships and friendships are far more fluid and changeable than that. i think it takes far longer than people let on to figure out how a relationship is supposed to fit into your own life. having a first relationship at 22 after thinking for ages that i'd never have one has been such a crazy learning experience. kind of scary but also really fun.
had my first experience with caffeine too and i really started off strong by having almost 2 full monsters in one night. had crazy chest tightness and was so wired while trying to sleep. had to put on the barbie movie to do something because my partner was too tired to stay up with me. otherwise that night we had a banging food selection and i taught them to use a bong. speaking of the bong i had some friends over the next night and one of them managed to break it by tipping it until the bowl fell out and on the hard floor. had to use all my energy to practice peace and serenity and not get mad at her lol.
also just had a call with the sainsbury's in manchester about transferring and it feels like i fucked it. trying to go for a permanent position over dual store working and she was asking about christmas and i was saying how i would go home for it but only for a really short time and we can figure something out please please please. she said it's not a definite no..... what a wonderful start to the week. once again shooting myself in the foot with my honesty and annoying yapping.
been really into fiona apple lately after finally getting fetch the bolt cutters. i listened to it first like 5 years ago and didn't like it at all except cosmonauts. a couple months ago i got briefly really into when the pawn... but then grew tired of it, but now i've picked it up again and it's been such a good cd to put on while i'm cooking or cleaning in the kitchen. i need to get fetch the bolt cutters on cd too.
........................................................................................................................13.07.26
lost my probable favourite hat today. it had a badge that was special to me on it and originally belonged to the mum of a friend that recently removed me on instagram. it's strange because i haven't felt fully positively towards this person for a while but i feel such a deep sense of loss because we were so close for all 3 years of uni. the whole thing is far too complicated to explain here but i'm just finding the timing quite horrible. i feel like i'm losing grip of everything at a moment where it seemed like i had finally found an amount of stability. i'm still living in my childhood home before i move out again and my parents are redoing the stairs. they feel so wrong now. my duvet had to be replaced because my cat keeps sleeping in the litter tray out of anxiety and her sister shit on my bed and the weight is totally wrong. i feel like i'm sleeping in a stranger's bed.
i had a nice time in bath with my partner though. it's a lovely place to just wander around, especially because of the architecture. it's hard to not compare it to bristol because they're so close but it really does stand in stark contrast. bristol feels so actively hostile to exist in - you often have to walk quite far between places you want to go and during these walks you find yourself next to busy roads and constant car noise. bath is a lot more enclosed and feels more pedestrianised. there is a lot less to do and less going on unfortunately so i do end up in bristol more often than i'd like.
lost my probable favourite hat today. it had a badge that was special to me on it and originally belonged to the mum of a friend that recently removed me on instagram. it's strange because i haven't felt fully positively towards this person for a while but i feel such a deep sense of loss because we were so close for all 3 years of uni. the whole thing is far too complicated to explain here but i'm just finding the timing quite horrible. i feel like i'm losing grip of everything at a moment where it seemed like i had finally found an amount of stability. i'm still living in my childhood home before i move out again and my parents are redoing the stairs. they feel so wrong now. my duvet had to be replaced because my cat keeps sleeping in the litter tray out of anxiety and her sister shit on my bed and the weight is totally wrong. i feel like i'm sleeping in a stranger's bed.
i had a nice time in bath with my partner though. it's a lovely place to just wander around, especially because of the architecture. it's hard to not compare it to bristol because they're so close but it really does stand in stark contrast. bristol feels so actively hostile to exist in - you often have to walk quite far between places you want to go and during these walks you find yourself next to busy roads and constant car noise. bath is a lot more enclosed and feels more pedestrianised. there is a lot less to do and less going on unfortunately so i do end up in bristol more often than i'd like.
........................................................................................................................06.07.26
was allowed on a trip to hengistbury head with the school i volunteer at. really nice but very warm day especially once we started the proper walk (also got a bit sunburned lol). i forgot how calming it was to be by the sea, i locked into the book i've been trying to finish for ages so quickly (acceptance by jeff vandameer i love the southern reach series a lot), maybe i should listen to ocean noises when i read. i got a child's portion of scampi and chips because it was the only scampi available but it was actually a perfect size and afterwards i had a calippo. to quote my friend: "idyllic".
i listened to this album first a few days ago at work and i decently enjoyed it though i sometimes felt a little underwhelmed by how the songs sounded considering the album felt more ambitious and conceptual and like olivia trying to break out of the confines of her previous work. but maybe that's just me being less into the pop sound. it might also grow on me more and i feel like it will because this song really started to hit today. just a banger what can i say. also this would've been me asf if i had started my relationship while in the headspace i was in a bunch of months ago. i still struggle with similar feelings though and watched a nicole rafiee video about the album and relationship ocd and felt myself relating to bits in a way that shouldn't have surprised me so much considering i thought a while ago that i did have ocd. however now i think i just have thought patterns and behaviours that align a lot but not to an extent that would get me diagnosed. certain ocd therapy techniques and ways of dealing have helped me though so i'm glad to have found that connection.
was allowed on a trip to hengistbury head with the school i volunteer at. really nice but very warm day especially once we started the proper walk (also got a bit sunburned lol). i forgot how calming it was to be by the sea, i locked into the book i've been trying to finish for ages so quickly (acceptance by jeff vandameer i love the southern reach series a lot), maybe i should listen to ocean noises when i read. i got a child's portion of scampi and chips because it was the only scampi available but it was actually a perfect size and afterwards i had a calippo. to quote my friend: "idyllic".
i listened to this album first a few days ago at work and i decently enjoyed it though i sometimes felt a little underwhelmed by how the songs sounded considering the album felt more ambitious and conceptual and like olivia trying to break out of the confines of her previous work. but maybe that's just me being less into the pop sound. it might also grow on me more and i feel like it will because this song really started to hit today. just a banger what can i say. also this would've been me asf if i had started my relationship while in the headspace i was in a bunch of months ago. i still struggle with similar feelings though and watched a nicole rafiee video about the album and relationship ocd and felt myself relating to bits in a way that shouldn't have surprised me so much considering i thought a while ago that i did have ocd. however now i think i just have thought patterns and behaviours that align a lot but not to an extent that would get me diagnosed. certain ocd therapy techniques and ways of dealing have helped me though so i'm glad to have found that connection.
........................................................................................................................02.07.26
forgot to pay my rent yesterday LOL whoops been a year and a month now since i last paid rent so i'm out of practice. not moving in yet because getting a job transfer is like pulling teeth but i have a lead on one that won't start til september. moving in august would be more ideal to avoid feeling like i'm wasting rent money but it's fine if it's all i can get.
been thinking about losing stuff today. recently my friend's band did a couple final gigs and i recorded a lot of them on my camera but 13 videos from one of the gigs somehow went missing from my memory card. i was going to make a youtube video for it and everything but now i'm too sad to even think about looking at what remains. it's weird because i feel like i've gotten a lot better at dealing with losing things and i definitely have, last year this would have left me a wreck, but i still felt that same tinge of anxiety and panic. it was almost nostalgic. i used to try and grip everything so tightly, to record everything, to keep full control over a life that i felt like was passing me by far too quickly, but finishing uni and moving home has slowed my life down a lot and helped me come to terms with the things outside of my control. i still don't like losing stuff though.
finished fixing up my bag while at my partner's house. sewed while they slept and was watching skurry play silksong which i really enjoyed. it felt nice to just exist in each others' presence. anyway my sewing work isn't as nice as ash's but it gets the job done and she gave me advice on how to make sturdier patch so hopefully it and all the others last.
new westside cowboy song!! i'm so excited for this album, even more so because it's going to be released on my birthday yay. i was listening to this while at work and realised i'd seen it live when i saw them open for geese. super cool.
forgot to pay my rent yesterday LOL whoops been a year and a month now since i last paid rent so i'm out of practice. not moving in yet because getting a job transfer is like pulling teeth but i have a lead on one that won't start til september. moving in august would be more ideal to avoid feeling like i'm wasting rent money but it's fine if it's all i can get.
been thinking about losing stuff today. recently my friend's band did a couple final gigs and i recorded a lot of them on my camera but 13 videos from one of the gigs somehow went missing from my memory card. i was going to make a youtube video for it and everything but now i'm too sad to even think about looking at what remains. it's weird because i feel like i've gotten a lot better at dealing with losing things and i definitely have, last year this would have left me a wreck, but i still felt that same tinge of anxiety and panic. it was almost nostalgic. i used to try and grip everything so tightly, to record everything, to keep full control over a life that i felt like was passing me by far too quickly, but finishing uni and moving home has slowed my life down a lot and helped me come to terms with the things outside of my control. i still don't like losing stuff though.
finished fixing up my bag while at my partner's house. sewed while they slept and was watching skurry play silksong which i really enjoyed. it felt nice to just exist in each others' presence. anyway my sewing work isn't as nice as ash's but it gets the job done and she gave me advice on how to make sturdier patch so hopefully it and all the others last.
new westside cowboy song!! i'm so excited for this album, even more so because it's going to be released on my birthday yay. i was listening to this while at work and realised i'd seen it live when i saw them open for geese. super cool.
........................................................................................................................29.06.26
oh my precious bag... i bought this bag on ebay in 2022 and it has been my main daily bag ever since. considering how much i use it, it's impressive it only started to fall apart around last year where one end of the strap meets the bag. this was fixed by my friend ash (peep the patch) but the back had more recently become compromised from rubbing against my leg as i walk. i tried to fix up the biggest hole but didn't do it securely enough to that's falling apart too. i'll be taking it back to ash today so she can put in some more lovely patches. this bag is so ragged though it's got so much rust and so many holes on the front from having badges constantly attached to it and being rained on and thrown around. but i will use it until it disintegrates.
here are the repairs as of today! ash was too tired to finish them (and tbf i wanted to go home and sleep too) so i'll be finishing up another day with some blue embroidery thread she gave me.
fancy that was my cd of choice for driving to and from the school i volunteer at today. for a while i've had this album associated with a rough time at the end of last year, but i've been feeling more confident latelyt and glad to be able to approach this album again and feel cunty while listening to it. girl like me has always been my favourite song too so i was very glad to see it finally get more attention with the new music video.
oh my precious bag... i bought this bag on ebay in 2022 and it has been my main daily bag ever since. considering how much i use it, it's impressive it only started to fall apart around last year where one end of the strap meets the bag. this was fixed by my friend ash (peep the patch) but the back had more recently become compromised from rubbing against my leg as i walk. i tried to fix up the biggest hole but didn't do it securely enough to that's falling apart too. i'll be taking it back to ash today so she can put in some more lovely patches. this bag is so ragged though it's got so much rust and so many holes on the front from having badges constantly attached to it and being rained on and thrown around. but i will use it until it disintegrates.
here are the repairs as of today! ash was too tired to finish them (and tbf i wanted to go home and sleep too) so i'll be finishing up another day with some blue embroidery thread she gave me.
fancy that was my cd of choice for driving to and from the school i volunteer at today. for a while i've had this album associated with a rough time at the end of last year, but i've been feeling more confident latelyt and glad to be able to approach this album again and feel cunty while listening to it. girl like me has always been my favourite song too so i was very glad to see it finally get more attention with the new music video.